I have been in a really really dry place lately. I have been here for longer than I would like. But just the other day, God and I had a little talk and it sparked some motivation to start getting out of this awful place. Tonight I came home from work, I sat down with my dinner and pulled out my Bible. In the past, anytime I have ever been in a dry place, the book I find myself always turning to is Psalms. And sure enough, here I sit with my Bible open to that same book. I opened it up to Psalm 55 and started to read through it and realized that what David was crying out is what my heart is crying out right now. Then I thought about how many times I have sunken to a place that I do not want to be, turned to the Psalms and repeated those prayers as my own. Yet still, time after time, I find myself still back in a terrible place where my heart is not right. I started to think about how I wish I had the heart of David, but am so far from it that I cannot even imagine what it would be like to be a woman after God's own heart. And then something occured to me, that David did not just cry out to God every now and then, he cried out to God from the days of his youth...ALL THE TIME. He prayed without ceasing and in that he began to know what it meant to be a man after God's own heart, to be a man that was so in love with God that he could not get enough. That, my friends, is what I lack the most. The time that I spend crying out to God, bearing my soul, praising him for everything is so sub par it is unbelievable. My desire is to be a woman after God's own heart. I want to be aching to know Him. I want to feel so empty and barren when an oppotunity to spend time with Him is passed by that I will not be able to do anything but fall to my knees and cry out to him.

Friends, my relationship with God has gotten to a place that is worse than it has ever been before. I have felt more weak and hopeless than ever before. But I leave you with the good news that I am on my way to restoration, restoration of my heart and of my soul...of my whole life.

I love you all, thank you for being such wonderful brothers and sisters in Christ.

-Amanda Newton

Update on Doctor's Visit

Turns out there is no 'test' for PCOS because they have really no idea what it's caused by. Instead, they told me I've gotta change my diet/ exercise and they've given me birth control to force my body to ovulate. Apparently, because I'm not ovulating, I'm at a higher risk for uterine (uterus) cancer and diabetes/high blood pressure. 

My main concern is the birth control, I've heard good things and bad things, and I'm really hoping for the good things. But, I react fairly well to medication, so that's a plus. 

hi guys,

tomorrow i go to see the doctor about pcos, and if you guys could pray that i dont have to do more tests than what i have to do tomorrow, that'd be great. 

i really just want to do this once, and find out quickly.

Words On Grace, or the Lack Thereof

I've re-written this post at least 5 or 6 times, because I don't want to say phrases that are tired and allegories that are overused. So I won't.

This song reminds me of how much I don't get grace.

---

To Be Alone with You- Sufjan Stevens

I'd swim across lake Michigan

I'd sell my shoes

I'd give my body to be back again

in the rest of the room

To be alone with you

To be alone with you

To be alone with you

To be alone with you

You gave your body to the lonely

They took your clothes

You gave up a wife and a family

You gave your ghost

To be alone with me

To be alone with me

To be alone with me

To be alone with me

You wen upon the tree

To be alone with me, you went upon the tree.

I've never known a man who loves me.

Please pray...

Hey guys.
So this trip for us has already been filled with tension and some unexpected turns...and we haven't even left yet. Please keep us in your prayers this week - especially as we get started. We will be leaving at around 3 AM this morning since Eric's brother Brian is coming to pick us up from Nebraska. Pray that this will be a refreshing time for all of us and that we will be safe on the road.
I love you guys! Thanks for being our family here.

I need to ask you guys for continued prayer for Uganda. I talked to my mom today to tell her a little bit more about my plans for the trip and the rest of the summer and she once again has decided we need to talk more about... which was her basically saying I can't go unless I find a group to go with. As logical as her argument may sound, I need to do this alone. I need to own this trip as my own and be confident that God is going to provide for me. Continue to pray for a change in her heart as I will be home this week and I'm sure this will be a topic for much tension.

Allison's comments...Post Script

So, just want to clarify that tonight is the first time I have published anything on the blog, for those of you who were confused by my previous comment. I have enjoyed everyone's postings...especially Beth's Eagle picture.
love you all--

allison